Dealing With Disappointments

Written by Anne Wiggins

Monday, 09 January 2012 03:30

It would be nice if we could give our children a disappointment-free existance, wouldn't it?

On this Monday's Heads-Up Parenting Tip (90.9 fm Arizona at 3:35p MST), I give you a heads up on how to help your children deal appropriately with disappointments in life. Here's what I said:

"Disappointments are an inevitable part of life. There's just no way around it. So since they're unavoidable, it's terribly important that you prepare your children to deal appropriately with this particular area of life.

I see kids react to disappointments all the time. Most of the time, the feeling of frustration or loss is met with screaming, stomping of feet, throwing bodies on the ground, hitting other people, or running away from parents. And that's just at Wal-Mart!

Being sad is fine. Crying is natural. But you cannot allow your children to accompany these feelings with tantrums. As adults, they can lose marriages, jobs, or even their own children over these things. So you absolutely have to teach your kids to be disappointed and still act appropriately.

How do you do it? Well, I'll give you a couple of quick ways here and then more on my blog this week.

1. Speak to them about this. Yes, it sounds easy, but it works. Words like this: 'You may cry quietly, but you may NOT scream. This is a no-screaming home.'

2. Connect a consequence to the exact behavior you are trying to eradicate. Following a tantrum about something, you may tell your child, 'Oh, I couldn't possibly let you go to that birthday party. You may have a disappointment over something and throw a tantrum. We can't risk that. Don't worry, though. I'll watch your behavior over the next little while here, and I'll just know when you're ready to try parties again.'

I only have a couple of minutes on my radio spot to share ideas with you, which is why I usually write more on my blog. I want to make a couple of things very clear here:

Children should absolutely be allowed to be sad about things that hurt them. Something may seem inconsequential to us as adults, but to a child, it can be huge.
Children should absolutely be taught that they can be sad without being naughty on top of it.

For kids who are under the age of about 2 years old, there's not a whole lot you can do about this situation anyway. They're not far enough along developmentally to process how to be disappointed and not scream too. However, once your child hits 2+, it's time to get to work on this.

Having a crying place is another idea for a child who needs to vent due to a disappointment. They may also have a special pillow to beat on if they want. We don't want to prevent children from expressing feelings, as long as those feelings are communicated with respect to others around them. Crying is okay for this reason, as long as it's not accompanied by screaming, kicking, etc. Kids have to cry sometimes! (Hey- I have to cry sometimes myself.)

It seems as though the pendulum swings between parents either permitting any and every expression of disappointment as fine OR yelling at kids for crying. Neither is healthy as a parental response. Work with your children to be able to take a disappointment, feel sad, cry, punch a pillow, etc. But they have to know that their disappointment cannot carry over to behavior that is either disrespectful or dangerous to those around them.

Great life lessons.