Judging Vs. Evaluating

Written by Anne Wiggins

Monday, 05 December 2011 22:18

Is it ever okay to use someone else's mistakes as an object lesson with your kids? Or does that fall into the category of "not very nice"?

On this Monday's Heads-Up Parenting Tip (90.9 fm in Arizona at 3:35p MST), I give you a heads up on how to balance showing your children what happens to people who don't do the right thing with staying non-judgmental. Here's what I said:

"We live in a culture that's very sensitive to feeling judged by other people. And in reality, it sure doesn't feel good to have other people looking down on you.

But there's a difference between looking down on someone-- or putting yourself above them-- and evaluating behavior. I think we as parents miss key moments to have good talks with our kids because we don't want to come across as judgmental toward someone else. We see something go dreadfully wrong in a person's life, and we miss the chance to have our children learn from someone else's mistake.

Now, there's sort of a fine line to walk here. You never want to look down your nose at someone or quip phrases like "I can't believe they'd do something so stupid!" But what about having an honest conversation and a chance to evaluate behavior? Is it wrong to hold the Bible up as the standard for living and notice what happens when people ignore that? I submit that it is not-- IF it's done in a kind, loving, non-judgmental way.

You can incorporate evaluating real life situations without being judgmental-- and use those opportunities to talk about the results of wise and foolish behavior, expectations, and how choices can affect the rest of your life dramatically. Even choices made by children can sometimes have life-long ramifications. Your kids should know this.

There are object lessons lurking out there. If you're prayerful about it, you can help your children avoid making costly mistakes by watching what happens to people who don't do life God's way. Ephesians 4:15 urges us to speak the truth in love. Practice that in your family."

Here's an example of what I'm talking about.

I once had a divorced mom ask me what she should tell her three children (about 5, 7, and 9 at the time) regarding their dad moving in with his girlfriend. She didn't want to put the dad down (good for her!), but she also didn't want her kids growing up thinking that this was perfectly fine and then doing it themselves someday. She was in a quandry. Well, what would you tell her? Maybe something similar to what I said. Basically, I told her that she could evaluate the dad's behavior against what the Bible says without coming across as judgmental. Here's the difference between the two possible scenarios, just so you can picture how this can be done:

Scenario #1: Judgmental. "Your dad is totally out of line for moving in with that girl friend of his. God says not to do that, and he's gonna pay the consequences for sinning. Believe me, God will judge him for this. I sure hope you'll never do anything stupid like that someday. (etc.)"

Scenario #2: Evaluative. "I want you to know that God's Word has a lot to say about how He wants us to live. One of the things it says is that men and women shouldn't (live together, have sex- however you want to put this age-appropriately) until they are married. Now, your dad is still your dad, and I expect nothing but total respect from you toward him and also toward his girlfriend. In fact, because you are a child and he is an adult, it would be totally inappropriate for you to lecture him about this in any regard. However, I hope that someday when you are older, you will choose to live your life the exact way Jesus lines out for us. What do you think about this?"

Sometimes, asking the child what he thinks about the conversation you're having is a good way of softening any judgmental-sound you may have incurred accidentally. Judgmental people, in my experience, NEVER ask the person they're talking to what THEY think about the topic. They're simply there to make sure they weigh in self-righteously about it. To inquire what someone else thinks automatically puts you into a more evaluative position, because you're asking for the other person's thoughts. This also gives you a chance to undo any accidental judgmental attitude you may have imparted if your child responds in a self-righteous way. You can lovingly, calmly steer him in the thinking direction you want him to go.

I know from experience that using this technique very carefully is extremely effective, because children can visualize exactly what you're talking about. Especially when the consequences of behavior are obvious, it can be a picture that sticks with a child the rest of his life, causing him to avoid making the same mistake someday. You just have to be really loving and careful as you wade through these waters. But with some navigating and grace, it can be done.

Next week I'm giving you a heads up on some practical ways to stop whining. So check back next week!

~Anne